Letting Go

Why Forgiveness Is Not a Gift to the Other Person — It’s a Gift to Yourself

"We will never finish the book if we get stuck on the same chapter."

Many times we get stuck in the past and concentrate on it so fully that we put the future on hold indefinitely. The energy we spend rehearsing old wounds and replaying old grievances causes us to miss out on what lies ahead. In doing so, we forfeit the rest of God’s plan for us and postpone our ultimate destiny.

"Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." — Philippians 3:13–14

The High Cost of Holding On

Think back to a time when you were consumed by thoughts of vengeance. Consumed is a revealing word. It demonstrates with perfect clarity how our spiritual state produces a physical reality. When we are consumed mentally, we are affected physically. The thoughts of revenge are not hurting the other person — they are eating us alive, body and soul.

In this quandary, we become obsessed with the very person we claim to want out of our lives. We hand them extraordinary power — and they are not even present to receive it. We lose sleep. We eat carelessly. We fall into counterproductive habits. As time passes, we begin to disintegrate through the slow consumption of our own souls.

"See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled." — Hebrews 12:15

Why in the world would we willingly give this power to someone we detest? How can we expend so much precious energy on a person who, in our minds, has wronged us? In reality, we are harming ourselves on every level — stalling our progress and forcing ourselves to relive a meal we never wanted in the first place.

"Do not repay anyone evil for evil... Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." — Romans 12:17, 21

The Catechism speaks to this plainly:

"It is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense; but the heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit turns injury into compassion and purifies the memory in transforming the hurt into intercession." — CCC 2843

What Forgiveness Actually Does

We keep failing to see the Truth — yet it is the Truth that will set us free. In that freedom, we rise to the next stage of our journey. By finding empathy for those we perceive as our enemies, we cleanse our spirit and break the chains of our own self-imposed oppression.

"You will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free." — John 8:32

Absent of ego, we take our true position in the larger story God is writing. It is at this point that the acceleration of our spiritual growth explodes. We become aware of our existence in all things, of all things, by all things. The love we send from the heart begins to draw into our lives everything necessary for our journey.

Now consider the alternative. Think of someone who has hurt you — someone who has made you feel small, powerless, or diminished. Notice how you feel just thinking about them. Angry? Sad? Frustrated? Powerless? Most likely all of the above.

Now notice: you are consuming yourself with negative emotions, and they are not even in the room. You push against them mentally, and at least equally, the resistance pushes back. You burn energy just to stay in place — going nowhere, feeling everything you do not want to feel.

This is a place we do not belong. How do we know? Because it feels terrible. Our emotions are telling us we have drifted from God. Our signal to Source has dropped to almost nothing.

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." — Ephesians 4:31–32

The Path Back: Empathy

So how do we restore the connection? We must find the root of those negative emotions. And in empathy — genuine, honest empathy — we will find solace, peace, and power.

Many times, those who hurt us have themselves been deeply hurt. They are trying to recover their sense of self through the diminishment of others. They feel powerless, and they have become consumed with rising above their own victimization. In the recognition of their weakness, we see the truth — and we are freed from the illusion they were projecting onto us.

"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." — Luke 23:34

Instead of anger, we begin to feel something closer to compassion. And in that shift, the chains fall away. We are no longer trapped in their story.

We must be careful not to get pulled into the illusions of others — especially those who do not understand our connection to God. As we follow the most positive and life-giving emotions, we find our way back to the Source of all good things.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — think about such things." — Philippians 4:8

Clearing the Hard Drive

When we purge the unnecessary files that clog up our inner life — the grudges, the replays, the rehearsals of revenge — we free up space for the information waiting to be downloaded. This is what propels us forward into the fullness of spiritual consciousness. From this action, we receive an equal or greater positive reaction.

Consider the emotional range: I hate you. I love you. You’re ugly. You’re beautiful. I don’t want you. I need you. What an exhausting roller coaster. When we look with our heart, we feel with our soul. And what the soul always finds, when it looks honestly, is this: love is the greatest and most powerful of all emotions. Love brings us back to God faster than anything else.

"God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." — 1 John 4:16

The Catechism could not be clearer on this point:

"The virtue of charity... is the form of all the virtues. It is infused by God into the soul to heal it of sin and to sanctify it; it is the fulfillment of all our works: ‘there is the end of every commandment, for the goal of every commandment is charity.’" — CCC 1827

Forgiveness Is Enough

Forgiveness is the action of one who knows the love of God. It is in this act that we are freed to receive the incredible gifts that have been prepared for us. In empathy we find forgiveness. In forgiveness we realize that love is the eternal and supreme state of being. We must share love, nurture love, and be love.

"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." — Colossians 3:13

And remember this: forgiveness does not have to be accepted. It is enough that we forgive, because God knows our hearts. In this, we are guaranteed the benefits of the heartfelt action. He will reward us — somehow, in some way, at the best possible time. What we thought was impossible will be made possible.

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." — Matthew 6:14

"We must let go of time — for it is but an instant."